2nd February, 2010
There is far too much condemndation about food choices on the raw food forums. I find it annoys me too much to see entire threads focusing on choices of one individual, picking them apart and calling them derogatory names. Eat whatever you like people. I am going solo. I am my own guru. I am focusing on discovering what it is that I want to choose and prefer to do it in peace, without the noise of pressure from others on the topic what it is the ideal diet. I will find what I like myself, thanks. I love fruit so much. As far a anything else, I am open to experimentation and will see.
I find cult-like behaviours suffocating. This is in relation to all aspects of my life, not just the raw food forums. Last month I decided to leave Amma organization, which I was attached to for quite some time, and where I had some lovely experiences too. In the end the organization became too much cult-like to me, the need to be my own guru overwhelmed me and the decision to leave became an inevitable outcome. And in this way both my health and spiritual interests converged into one way of exploring the reality - my own, completely.
4th February, 2010
I am very fond of my on-line fruit-loving friends. I miss them if I do not talk to them for longer. I love them as much as I love my fruit. But there is a flip side to this coin. I get very unsettled when I read those mentioned condemnatory comments which I feel suffocate my psyche, drain me. I feel like rebelling against them to the point of losing my interest in this health path altogether. On the other hand, I feel I can also get negatively affected by those comments that question the choices I am attracted to, such as people questioning veganism or fruit-based diets for example, people doing B12 shots etc. But then if I would do try the old patterns again, I feel that my body absolutely cannot accept it. I feel I can't exist in any other than fruitty way. I feel malnourished and dehydrated if I don't get my juicy fruit, which is the source of my live energy. So I find myself trapped between two desires, one to be with my friends because I long for their company, and another to stay away from them because I get affected by the negative comments by some of them. I know that this is all due to my own making, as it is me who creates my own reality, and it is my mind who chooses to get affected by the perceived negativity. In the end, it boils down to some practical deciding factors. I have currently several papers and a couple of grant applications in preparation, besides all my lecturing commitments. Then, there is the belly dancing in which I would like to get involved a little bit more, the swimming which I would like to be able to enjoy regularly, and the music, my love, my passion, which I would want to devote more attention to than I have in the past. I feel I need to give myself some time for my personal growth, for finding what it is that I want to do, and finding time to do it. I've been aware of this need for a while now, and went off the forums for a short time a number of times. This did help a little, but not enough. I need a much bigger breath of fresh air than that. So I decided to give myself much more space and time for my various passions. This means staying away from the forums for a good long while.
10th February, 2010